Happy Monday everyone- and I truly hope it is- especially for my east coast friends/family as you enter into another frigid few days; the invitation to visit is always open. :) Anyways, I am writing to report back on my 1st NYR- not making friends/family into enemies during conflict. I am excited to report that I think I've gotten over the hump- of course there will always be set backs and roadblocks but I think I have finally begun to work on mastering this one. I won't lie- about a week ago I felt like I was slipping far away from working on this resolution. I lost sight of rational thought, got confused, and let my emotions get the best of me (damn it). Having experienced this 'speed bump' I made it my mission over the next week that if conflict or disagreement arose in any situation I would follow a series of steps, sticking to them no matter which emotions came up for me, and constantly kept my goal in sight. And…it worked! Here are the steps that helped me to correctly communicate my feelings, hear the other person out, and remember that in the end we are all humans trying our best :)
1. DO NOT react- in fact, shut your trap and don't talk at all.
2. Let the other person speak…you're still not supposed to be talking here. That includes thinking of rebuttals in your head. Listen up buttercup.
3. Recognize what the other person has said- that can include repeating back to them what they just shared with you, or better yet, tell them you understand their point(s) and can see where they are coming from!
4. Next (this is a biggie) ask engaging questions- really try to get to the root of what the other person needs. Here are some examples: "How can I support you in that? , "Are you ok?" , "What do you need?"
5. As the other person responds, LISTEN, yes, again, I'm sorry, I know it is hard.
6. At this point hopefully you are seeing where the other person is coming from. If at any point the convo isn't going smoothly- request another time to chat; nothing gets done when either person is heated.
7. Confirm/deny the ways in which you will be able to help the other person based on their request(s). Confirm that this resolution is ok with the other person.
8. Yours and my favorite part- ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED! YAYA TIME TO TALK! And don't be ridiculous, I too want a castle and a moot but we just can't have it all folks.
9. Ask the other person if they think they can help to fulfill any of these needs and how.
10. AGREEMENT! HUG, KISS, SHAKE HANDS- give a little physical contact to seal the deal peeps- nothing wrong with showing some love :)
Yes these 10 steps may sound easy and like their success only exists in a fairy tale world with a castle and a moot, but if you try and practice, practice, practice, I bet they will start to work for you. Granted, this is not going to work every time and we aren't perfect. Striving for perfection sucks (trust me) so let it go. But actively practicing more effective communication to help others as well as yourself, all while realizing that we are all humans and the people we surround ourselves love us and have our best interests at heart 99.999% of the time…can make your life that much more peaceful, at least it did for me :)
Until the next NYR- inspire some change in your own resolutions/goals/life!
- xoxo AA
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